POEM - MY SILENT AGONY

Imagine being a child prodigy who is not understood by people around you. You long for friendship and a normal life.

MY SILENT AGONY

Am i some kind of freak?
They look at me like i am sick,
Their faces filled with hatred,
I scream inside and ask, 'Is this what i have been fated?'
Did they think i enjoy such attention?
If only they knew how hard it is for me to receive love and affection.

My mother said I am special,
I am a prodigy in equations,
But when i look at it now,
I'd rather be invisible some how.

I still vividly remember,
Last gruesome September,
I scored perfect in add math,
After school, i was beaten up till i thought it was my last breath.

Im overwhelmed of such brutality in this community,
Why do i receive such hostility?
I am just as you are!
Please hear me before i go too far,
Of ending my life by letting myself being runned over by a car.

I want you to dismiss the fact that i am gifted,
I want to feel that i am accepted,
I long for friendship,
Anything but people who are fascist.

So now do you see,
I am so lonely,
I just want to be free,
So please befriend me.

A POSTCARD TO AN IMAGINARY FRIEND

Oh my fickle mind..

Dear imaginary friend,

Do you see what i see?

How can u compare this ever,

To the most beautiful place like no other.

Remember when i asked:

"When will i ever get this golden opportunity?

Can i trade this polluted city,

Along with all its contaminations,

And its fumes, smoke and man made creations,

For a paradises' perfect picture?"

However now that I am here,

I keep on saying 'Oh my dear!',

Which is exactly what i feared.

Realizing i am so lonely,

In the end, escaping from here is what i think only.

Fickle minded that i am,

Like the sea and the sand,

In the mornings, the sea rises,

In the evenings, it slowly flushes,

How i wish i could go slap myself among those bushes!

(erk.. ok im stuck, this was the best i could do for now :( ..)

A POSTCARD TO ME

I WISHED YOU WERE HERE

"I dig my toes into the sand,

The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds,

Thrown across a blue blanket,

I lean against the wind,

Pretend that I am weightless,

And in this moment i am happy,

I wished you were here."

My dear Ella,

Do you remember this song?

Forgive me if i am wrong,

But isn't this exactly what we both wanted for so long?

Now that I am here,

I sincerely wished you are near.

Every morning I go down to the pier,

As i sit very still, it dissolves all my tears,

While the cool breeze washes away my fears.

In the evening I lay on the golden sand,

I dream I would be holding your hand.

You remind me of the deep blue waves,

It has a powerful, forceful presence just like your ways,

Lifting up my spirits was all you gave.

Now I bid thank you,

Because in life there is only a few,

To find someone as special as you,

Even far apart we grew,

But still, on this paradise beach, i only wished i was with you.

(hmm.how i suddenly wished there was such a person who existed and did send such a postcard like this to me.. sob..sob.. yes i know.. im pathethic..hehe.. )

A POSTCARD TO ME

WHY?

Dear ella,
I resent to wonder,
Why is this picture without ya.

I threw a dance party,
It was so hearty,
Yet you decided not to show.

This was my friend Peter,
He thought he could meet ya,
But there he danced alone.


He was dressed all white
Oh my, what a dashing sight,
Feeling hopeful as he waited.

I have to admit,
I almost threw a fit,
I was hoping you'd make it.

As the night subsided,
He was not delighted,
To know you have not attended.

He kept smiling,
But i knew he was lying,
Disappointment had caught up with him.

I kept him alive,
By dancing by his side,
But by then, his heart had already faded.

You hurt my friend,
so do not pretend,
That you do not comprehend.

Now i just thought you'd know,
I aint never gonna go,
To any more of your important shows!

GOODBYE!

A POSTCARD TO MY OLD FRIEND

REMEMBER WHEN..

Remember back in the days when our feet were still right,
We would work all day and danced all night.
Remember you had Martha, your foxy partner,
While i always danced with myself, but I never wondered.

Remember when we grooved to swing music, we danced till we were high,
Until our knees were weak and on that very floor we lie.
Remember one particular night, i wore all white?
You made me do the chicken dance, it was such a fright.

I miss u buddy, i wished you were here,
No words could ever describe what i am feeling here.
Yes i know the days have long ended,
However i do feel that i am absolutely contented.

My wonderland

In the morning when the sunrise,
I hear the birds chirping outside.
The four walls are painted lavishly in blue,
With alot of light bursting through.

Nothing could ever possibly compare to my own space,
When i am there, i feel my life is in place.
Its my place of calmness, my place of zen,
Everyday i look forward to go back there again.

THE 10 ITEMS

Lana wanted to buy a brand new laptop just because everybody else had one. However she didn’t have any money. She went to the Chinese herbal medicine shop where they had vacancies for a sales girl. They said her income would be based on how many bottles of herbal medicine she sold. Therefore she worked hard, managing to sell bottles upon bottles of herbal medicine. However it was still not enough, the money she got that day was too little. It would take too long to accumulate until it was enough to buy a laptop.

She decided to quit that job on that very day. On her way home, a fortune teller approached Lana. The fortune teller gave Lana her business card. Out of curiosity, Lana decided to use all the money she had just earned today to know if she would ever own a laptop and how she found the money to but it. The fortune teller took out her fortune-telling cards and flipped it open one by one. She kept silent for a while before saying "Find money, yes ..but rugby must play!". Lana did not understand, but the fortune teller refused to say anything further until she added more money. What a rip off! Lana thought. Feeling furious, she stormed out of the room.

She went back to her flat hoping to see any job vacancies posted on the bulletin board. While she was scanning the wall, she found there was a rugby tornament this evening and who participates and wins will get Rm3000 each. Wow! She thought. This is more than enough for me! Maybe this was what the fortune teller was talking about. So she went not even knowing how to play rugby. When she reached there, she immediately went to the registration counter. There, she was asked to fill in a form in pencil. Since she had none, she had to take one in the jar. As she was reaching her hand toward the jar of sharpened pencils, she was suddenly knocked hard on the head by a rugby ball. The impact was so hard she fainted.

Then, what seemed like forever, she finally regain consciousness. The first thing she saw was a guy in a leather jacket hovering over her, appologizing repeatedly to her. He said he was practicing and wanted to throw the ball at his friend, but his friend did not manage to catch it in time and instead it flew towards her head. He helped her up but she was still dizzy. Quickly dismissing him, she proceeded to fill in her form at the counter but the people at the counter appologized and said that places were already full.

She was so upset. She went home feeling so down. As she was walking, she found a silver locket with an inscription on the floor. It looked expensive. She thought of going down to the pawn shop to see how much she could get out of it. Suddenly out of nowhere, the guy in the leather jacket called out to her. She felt like slapping him. However, when he asked what was she doing, she still politely explained to him. He said he could get a second hand laptop for only Rm 500. Lana said she didnt have any money at all. The guy then suggested to give the locket and her handphone and it would cover the whole cost. Since she wanted the laptop so badly, she gave it to him. He then told her to wait there until he came back... The problem was he never came back. She waited until night fall. In the end, she laughed hysterically to herself and went home.

The next day Lana was seen completing her creative writing assignment in the library using the library's computer, typing away, looking unnaproachable and minding no one.

The end...

RAMADHAN

Ramadhan is related to when the Al-quran was revealed, the battle of 'Badr', and the significance of 'lailatulqadar'. Ramadhan is like God's gift to us, kind of like a bonus in terms of the multiplied 'pahala' for good deeds and vice versa if we do sins. During this period, the gates of heaven are opened and the gates of Hell are shut, and the 'syaitan'(devils) are tied up.

To me, the fasting month comes with it a sense of peace and tranquility in myself and the surrounding around me. It is hard to specifically describe but i do feel the sense of calmness, stillness, serenity, togetherness and the sense of giving throughout the month.

In conjunction to this, I do want to express during this period i automatically am a better person. I wonder sometimes, why it is not automatic on normal days?? I guess the answer is simple. We are humans and its the 'syaitan' than invades, manipulate and influence us to do bad.

During the fasting month, i like going to the Baazar and the 'Pasar Ramadhan'. I enjoy the part where all muslims are seen buzy buying for break fast, the scenery of the colourful canopies and the flamboyant 'kuih's', and all sorts of food to choose from. The only thing i do not like about these places is the fact i get too greedy because everything seems mouth watering. I tend to buy too much and end up eating only half of what i bought. Then i start beating myself up, reminding that people in Sumalia are struggling to just even stay alive due to food shortage and here i am wasting food away. haih!

Oh and Tarawikh! erk.. I have done none yet this year (blushing).. I must find the time to go and performe it. If i am at home, Dad will be the 'Imam' and lead us all. I have to admit it does bring our family closer together

I am a big eater. I have a gigantic appetite so do not be fooled by my skinny anorexic figure. Refraining myself from food is one big test for me. I always get laughed at because my stomach always rumbles and grumbles. I remembered last week i attended 'Tadarus', it was perfect silence except for the person reading the versus excerpted from the Holy Quran. Of all things, my stomach just had to embarrass me in front of the others. It suddenly lead out a long whinny grumble which made the people around me starting to giggle. I wonder if the person who was reading the versus felt offended, thinking we were laughing at her.. If you ever read this, we are sorry!.. Not about u dear.. Honest!

MY FAVOURITE FICTIONAL CHARACTER

This is a tough one... (thinks..)

I guess i will have to go for Brandon Fraser's character in the movie entitled 'Bedazzled'. This movie was released around the year 2000 but i could still watch this movie over and over again even until today. Ok ok i admit i have a huge crush on Brandon to begin with but that is beside the point.

He portrays a character named Elliot Richards who is lonely and socially retarded and is in love with his colleague, Allison who doesn't even know he is alive. Furthermore they both come from different worlds. Out of sheer desperation, he made a deal with the devil herself played by the hot-huchi-mama Elizabeth Hurley. She would grant him 7 wishes with the exchange of his soul.

The reason i choose his character as my favourite is because, he realizes even however he wishes that Allison would fall for him, there would always be something terribly wrong that comes out of his wish. He realize he is not being himself and trying to chase something unreachable. In the end, he used his last wish which was the most selfless act : he just wished that Allison was happy. He knew love cannot be forced. In return, due to his selfless act the deal was off and he got to keep his soul. Because he rejected evil, he met a new neighbour whose features were exactly like Allison's only her personality suits Elliots' better. The story ended there but viewers can figure out what would happen in the end.

The moral of his character was the fact he had a battle between good and evil. He choose the right path and therefore he eventually received something good in return. With this i also believe. When we do good, God will reward us accordingly and when we do bad, we will suffer the consequences. Sometimes God will give us in cash!

BOOKS THAT WERE IMPORTANT TO ME

Reminiscing on my reading history, i remembered at an early age, the only author i insisted on reading was the infamous RONALD DAHL. He was my childhood hero. I adored his writing for children. Got to admit i did not enjoy anything from Enid Blyton. I thought his writing was too bland. (Appologies to Enid Blyton fans). Because of Ronald Dahl's books, it encouraged me to read more. Books by him were the focal point and angkor of me starting to read. I used to hate books or novels for that matter. So thank you Mr Ronald Dahl. Without you, i would most probably still not read much until today. May you rest in peace. My most favourites by him were Mathilda, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and The witches. One thing i remembered about his writing were : they were witty, not too complex or dragging. His plot was always interesting and captivating which were a page turner for me and the type where i refuse to eat, bathe or sleep until i reach the last page. (hmm.. suddenly i feel like going down to the dusty store room and dig back all his books i own and start reading it again, feeling like a little kid again.)

QUESTIONS ON HIGH FIDELITY

1. WHAT IS THE MOVIE ABOUT

High fidelity is about a man named Rob Gordon who owns a record store, who is unsuccessful, refusing to make a change in his life and has many failed past relatioships. Due to his latest breakup with his most current girlfriend, he went searching for answers by finding each of his ex girlfriends and asking why they left him. He developed and changed towards the end of the story.

2. HOW IS IT DIFFERENT FROM THE COMMON FICTION?

Other comon fiction usually stereotypes or portays' the guy being the perfect, responsible, romantic character but in this movie Rob was the total opposite. He was somehow seen as a loser, unable to handle women, has an unsuccessful job and is far from being a romantic.

Another difference is that the movie is mostly based on flashbacks. The story is told backwards. It starts with the breakup itself and throughout the story the viewers only learn how that came to be. Speaking of breakups, the movie is more focused on the breakups and how he endured it, rather than the story of his happiness.

3. WHO'S YOUR FAVOURITE CHARACTER?AND WHY?

Rob is my personal favourite character. He does portray many men out there. His character is so honest, real and relatable to the situation with men in real life. In my opinion the part where he is clueless with what he did wrong is the perfect touch of a typical of man. They always seemed oblivous with the situation they are in. Another perfect touch to the story is the reason why Laura left him in the first place. He was unable to change. Again, this does relate to the real scenario of many men out there. His life was stagnant especially in terms of his job which he never changed. He is also oblivious of the fact that the record store is not making much money.

4. PROVIDE AN ALTERNATE ENDING

Rob decides not to get back with Laura. Rob finally sold the record store and is making alot of money with a new job. He has turned over a new leaf. By then all his ex-girlfriends come looking for him asking for another try at their relationship but he politely rejects them all. He finally meets someone who accepts him just the way he is. They both fall in love and got married. Laura regretted breaking up with Rob and is unhappy with Ian.

PROBLEMS FACED WHEN WRITING

Dear blog,
This is a secret, please don't tell anyone.
I have a confession to make.
I hate writing.
Which leads to another confession.
Never in my wildest dreams have i ever thought i would start a blog.. hehe

So with regards to the title, i think i would be an expert in this field. I am capable to write a whole book with the problems i literally face when writing. Okay fine that was over exaggerating because i do not enjoy writing in the first place but my point is, you would be surprised with how much i have to whine about. Truthfully, i almost had a heart attack knowing that there is a subject called 'creative writing' as one of the subject requirements in TESL. Sweat was trickling down my forehead during the first class, mainly because the word 'creative' itself refuses to have any association with me :( Yes people, I know what you are thinking : what a loser. hehe. Okay, NEGATIVITY aside, i hope with the existence of this page and all the writing assignments will improve my writing and start changing my mind regarding my embarrassing confession above. Shame on me :)

Anyway, the problems faced when writing are divided into three:


PRE WRITING

1) Plotting- This involves planning and structuring what writers choose to write. The problem faced here is what to plan in the first place. Some ideas may collide when writers already start writing. It does not coincide with the original plot. The drafting and outlining is the crucial part of writing but if there are too many ideas, the writer may become confused with which one to choose from.

2) Confidence- Before writing, writers may face lack of confidence in what they will write. They worry if their idea is good enough to put on paper.

3)Expectations- Writers will also have high expectations in the end result of what they write. So in order to feel satisfied, they feel stressed and conscious before hand due to their high expectations which may affect their while writing stage.

4) Getting started- Difficulty in getting started leads to procastination

WHILE WRITING

1) Distractions - (MY WORST ENEMY)..When writing, the writer needs to be in a calm state of mind in order to produce good writing. If there are external factors such as noise, ideas that were previously in the writer's mind may disappear. Emotional factors can affect writing as well, such as mental fatigue or tiredness while writing.
..wait im distracted again.. YES MOM what is it this time???

2) Mental block- (MY FAVOURITE PROBLEM) Writer's may face mental block. Most common problem is code switching from L1 to L2. Direct translation becomes the worst enemy when writing. Sometimes writers just simply have difficulties in expressing their ideas in the first place. They have an idea in their minds but are unable to put into words
.. this is when i start studying the ceiling, the floor, the ceiling, the floor, the ceiling, the four walls. (action repeated as many times as needed)

3) Inconsistent writing- The tempo of writing is inconsistent and careless mistakes affect the end product of writing. (MY OBVIOUS PROBLEM) aiyoo..

POST WRITING

1) Editing- Editing is essential but over editing may change the whole structure of the writing.
.. (after reading the edited version) What?? My whole essay needs editing after already being edited.. !!! urghh

2)Inferiority - The feeling that the end product is not of quality.
.. this is where i say to myself :what is this piece of crap i just wrote? (*crumples paper and starts again)